Players

“Game over Adam Major. England couldn't find a final ball with GPS.”

“Jordan eliminated. Angela Major updates LinkedIn to "open to opportunities".”

“Angela Stirling, time to find a new hobby. Saudi Arabia already have.”

“Ben Bryans is out. France gave us a masterclass in how not to defend.”

“Brad Dewick out. Mexico fans now permanently on the "next time" diet.”

“Late drama. Wrong direction. Bye Brad/Evie Joint, bye Paraguay.”

“Lights out for Bradley Evans. Ivory Coast forgot to pay the electricity bill.”

“Brady Heggs is out. Panama gave us a masterclass in how not to defend.”

“Late drama. Wrong direction. Bye Charlie Major, bye Senegal.”

“Daisy Housden-Major is out. DR Congo gave 110%. Sadly only of the wrong things.”

“Hopes: high. Turkey: not. Sorry Dan Heggs.”

“Dave Mee is out. Morocco gave 110%. Sadly only of the wrong things.”

“Evie Walton is out. New Zealand gave us a masterclass in how not to defend.”

“Fiona Major, your team picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.”

“Goodbye Uzbekistan, goodbye Gemma Bryans. The dream dies in HD.”

“Goodnight Gwen Bowler. Iraq forgot football is played with feet.”

“Hugh Dyer is out. South Africa played like they'd never met each other.”

“Jacob Hebblethwaite-Smith, Iran have ascended to the World Cup of regret.”

“Joe Cliffe, time to find a new hobby. Australia already have.”

“Goodnight Joe Major. Ghana forgot football is played with feet.”

“Czech Republic crashed out. John Tarrant, the bar tab is now your only trophy.”

“Julia Cole out. Portugal fans now permanently on the "next time" diet.”

“Kaye Cripps out. Sweden fans now permanently on the "next time" diet.”

“Game over Kelly Allard. Algeria couldn't find a final ball with GPS.”

“Goodbye Egypt, goodbye Kev Ruparelia. The dream dies in HD.”

“Lights out for Lee Cripps. Brazil forgot to pay the electricity bill.”

“Sweepstake update: Liam Barrett is now spectating. Curaçao have been spectating for 90 minutes.”

“Luca/Amelie Major eliminated. Croatia were so flat you could iron them.”

“Michael Fennell, that was painful to watch. Cape Verde clearly agreed.”

“Nana Jan, Germany have finally accepted their lifestyle of disappointment.”

“Nathan Heggs is out. Tunisia gave us a masterclass in how not to defend.”

“Lights out for Pam Bowler. Uruguay forgot to pay the electricity bill.”

“That's a wrap, Pete Williams. Scotland couldn't organise a kickabout in a phone box.”

“Rich Cliffe, Belgium have ascended to the World Cup of regret.”

“Russ Bryans out. Canada fans now permanently on the "next time" diet.”

“Tournament over for Sam Major. Switzerland did their best impression of a training cone.”

“Japan eliminated. Sandie Ibanez-Leach updates LinkedIn to "open to opportunities".”

“Bye bye Scarlett Tarrant. United States have packed their bags, and so have your sweepstake dreams.”

“Stacey Heggs is out. Austria played like they'd never met each other.”

“Sue/Vic Tarrant eliminated. Netherlands produced more memes than chances.”

“Haiti are out. Teresa Bowler is now emotionally unavailable.”

“Theo Ruparelia, Ecuador have finally accepted their lifestyle of disappointment.”

“Theo Stubbs is out. Colombia gave us a masterclass in how not to defend.”

“Tim Dalton is out. Bosnia and Herzegovina gave less fight than a wet paper bag.”

“Qatar are out. Wendy Fennell, the group chat will not be kind.”

“Norway packed up early. Yasmin Tarrant, you're cordially invited to do the same.”